From "The Onion"

OPINION

American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder

By Jimmy McDonalds

July 20, 2009 Issue 45•30

Hello, reader! I am a young boy from the United States, and like most other American children such as me, it seems there is nothing I enjoy more than lazing about from morning until night, eating sweets, and wantonly disrespecting the wishes of my elders.

But I am beginning to realize that my behavior—and the behavior of all typical American young people like me—is in every way unacceptable. What is more, my lack of obedience goes completely unchecked, since my parents, teachers, and government authorities will do nothing to stop it.

Sleep, eating, and Mickey Mouse. That's what I like best. Most days, when I am not gorging myself on cheese hamburgers or wasting my time collecting baseballs, I tend to speak to adults as if they were my schoolmates or mere common insects, instead of figures to be feared and respected. Did you know the amount of effort I put forth in my daily life is not even one-tenth that of children my age in other countries?

Oh, well! I suppose if I do not try harder, my parents will be forced to punish me harshly, as they should have been doing all along. My shame is their shame, and the shame of a slovenly child is shared by us all.

I also play video games always.

Just look at how fat I have become! I am a big, fat, sloppy boy. Goodness, I must be as large as a hog, or a 150-pound barrel of delicious reprocessed fish spines, freshly packaged in Deyang, in the great province of Sichuan, in a country called China that I would like to learn more about. In that country, children my age are kept at a manageable weight, and are taught early on about the value of hard work and obedience.

Hard work and obedience, in fact, are commonplace at many major businesses around the world—businesses in which I would be lucky to one day be employed should I ever overcome my laziness and grow into a smart, good man. One such business I know of is Zhu-Lei Corrugated Siding and Plastics, a division of the Yu Wan Mei Group, where a team of skilled engineers work tirelessly to create high-quality, affordable products and services such as:

Stainless steel roofing materials suitable for a place of business or residence unit

Outstanding visual appeal on 7.2 Thermalwall panels

3/32" x 1/2" x 40' roll of butyl tape included at no extra charge

Guaranteed full satisfaction

One free fish voucher with every corrugated siding purchase over $1,110. Good for any 50-pound purchase of fish by-products for use in Yu Wan Mei Fish Time. "Yu Wan Mei Fish Time is the only Fish Time made for everyone, and so delicious!"

So now you see how my behavior is a problem and needs to be corrected. This is what I wanted to inform you of in this column. Hopefully, some day soon, in the next 10 to 15 years, the nation I live in will be subsumed under a larger, more powerful nation, and the problem of sloth among American youths will be solved ruthlessly and forever.

Ow, my stomach hurts because I haven't eaten a Hershey bar in five minutes! I am so lazy, I do not wish to finish writing and must go now and lie in front of the television like a dog.
Thank you for reading! 鱼